I Have No Idea?

So i guess i have changed a lot lately. I'm 14 heading too high school. I've been feeling really weird lately. This secret is so big i feel like i can't even tell my own best friends. I Am also attracted to one of my friends. it's so hard too really know if he is also attracted to me. i had no other way of expressing myself and i remembered a very special teacher that brought me into this. Any how i have no idea how to bring this out to my friends. I am not so sure if it's a stage or what.My father obviously doesn't make it easier. i really have to say i have this hate in my heart for him. I have been so into going out expressing my freedom and then i always have to go home. My Best friends always say you're so luck to have an outgoing mother and lets you do alot of things. i love the freedom i can't lie though it's just so much different at home. i feel as if i have different personality's. In my House i have to try to be calm except so much judgement from this stupid father. in other hands my mom just thinks she's 15 and can bounce up back like she used too. Ive been listening to slow and sad songs today to get rid of tears. Looking at my cousins profile my ex wrote something i really didn't expect. i know he's my ex but he knows that's my cousin and it's so weird of him to do that. i hate these feeling that are overcoming but i guess that's just a life of a teenager. i have so much things going on i hate school but say i wanna go to collage to have this great career i expect to have. no one lives a perfect life and i am so behind that.i feel like everyone thinks I'm crazy trying too hard be someone else when i still haven't exactly found myself. when we're all young we want to be in the "in-crew" when i have my best friends with me and we're smiling nothing exist . I always wanted to leave 8th grade now that i have i want to go back. all memories are their and i hate leaving my life behind. i never wanna grow up. I'm crying now and its so stupid. everyone tells me you re a beautiful girl but whats so beautiful about a girl hiding so much things. i can't explain myself to anyone except this blog. I'm beautiful? or am i just a person who has to hide things because she's afraid of judgement.i just wanna be myself without anyone improvement. when I'm with friends I'm myself. when I'm with family i try so hard to be something I'm not. i hate life sometimes. and today is defiantly one of those days. I am so confused of how life really is. being a teenager is so difficult. i wish someone new how i feel and i have to hide this from everyone. i feel like the only person i can tell is a person i met 1 year ago that i feel is so alike like me. i feel liek i need to ask the world in what did i feel for lide to punish me so badly.