wow.

life is as difficult as school -__-. i hate life right now. im really feeliqn some guys. alriqhtt correction 2. though i cant help but think its just too much. i wanna run awya and find a safe place to hide cus its the only way i knwo i'll be safe. Virgin yes, happy no, drink yes, smoke somtimes. Life is too hard to not try new things. i wanna cry so much because everyday i fall more and more for these guys. i hate how idk which is better, funnier, nice expression but that i can rely on. i like these guys so much it hurts. friends first love second. but theyre my bestfriends tht just to difficult. knwoing that i like them bouth makes it just even harder. i swear life just doesnt want me to be happy. first i got my parent telliqn em i crazy because i belie in spirits. im gettinq more and more bipolar everyday. they say the fear i ahve in my heart is gettinq so worse to a point i have to be in a mental house. isnt that great. im afraid of alot of stupid stuff but the scariest is loosing my family and friends because their the ones that matter the most to me.

I Hate Him

I Swear i can;t take shit anymore. Its one more step and I'm leaving this stupid ass motherfucking family. This Niqquh is horrible. I been fucking told I'm lucky to have a damn family like this. what fucking luck is it getting yelled everyday what the fuck no one is perfect including me so if i do one little thing it turns into some huge argument and i end up getting hit anyways. i can't handle today i have 2 shirts and one pair of pj's in my heater and they wake me up at 8 am just to talk so much shit about this. i can't handlee this i really can't i used to feel like dying before for little shit but now no now can say anything because I have my reasons. being 14 and waking up to an abusive as fucking asshole isn't the best shit to have. i wanna leave out this house I'm fucking be threatened that if i leave this house or talk bad I'm going to DR and they're qunnah brake my face! i swear what fucking perfect family is anyone talking about. he says he'll brake my face and i can call the police if i want just know i will be dead in DR.

P.s.Wow What A Really Nice Family. Just Wonderful.

Thanks Gil.

I Was Just Layed Back Imagining Life. A Real Pretty House With My 3 Best friends Jamilka,Roselin And Gil. Lols. I Just Wished It Would Be A Really Nice Naiqhborhood. We All Had Great Jobs,Very Happy Lifes, Good Money (Straiqhht CA$H), And Party's All The Time. Evert Saturday Party's Taking Shots That's Just The Dream Life Isn't it. Though I Already Got One Inspiration Andd Thats Gil. He's Young And Is Already Starting Too Show That He Is Ready For A Great Life. His Utopia. I Just Wish I Had Payed More Attention Because if I Would Have Then No More Problems With My Father. He's Be Just Happy To See Me Succeed. Gil Should Be Proud His Life Is Starting To Turn Out So Great Already. I Wanna Just Live Life Right Now But Live Good. Thanks Gil Lols Youh Dead Ass Swear To God Your Inspring Me Already (:

I Hate Today

Today Was Supposed To Be Fun. I Had So Much Fun Sleeping Over Milka's Housee. We Dis Lots Of Stuff And She Took me To City Island For The First Time.i Was Bored And I Hit Up My BestFriend Gil. I Told Him How Bored I Was And He Hit Me With News Too Call Him. I Called And He Told Me So Reall Agrivating News That Got Me Crying. Something Hit ME As i Started To Cry Alott! I Put The Phone On Mute Washed my Face Quickly And Went Back To Talk To HIm. He Said He Might Have To Move And When He Did I Went On Mute Again. My Mom Asked What Happened Becaus ei Thrned Red And When i Looked At Myself I Was Turning Purple. Pretty Much My Heart Stoped. I Got Water And Pretented As Nothing Went On And Continued To Listen To Him. His New Struct Me Hardd. Gil Your The Best Friend I Ever Had, TrustWorthy,Fun,Funny,Im Never Bored With You,Your Always Making Me Laugh And Smile. Thanks Ilu Your The Fucking Best!

Dedicated Song To Gil: Best I Ever Had<33

Okay So Today Is July 30. Apparently I'm A Disgrace To My Family My Cousin Got A 31 year old Bitch Pregnant and I Kissed Kevin today. Kevin.. I Guess I Thought i Liked Him But I Don't Know. i Kissed Him And Felt Nothing At All. Alright He Has Soft Lips But I Don't Know Now. I Feel Awkward But That Won't Make It Seem As If I'm A Fronner Because Im Not. Well Whatever Thanks Blog And Thanks Gil You're Like The Thing I Need And Gil is Like The Most Trustworthy Person I've Really Ever Met. Today Kinda Sucked I Guess. i Had Fun in 171 With My Sexy Milkaa Lols. Though We Went To 188 To Get Roselyn And We Stayed For About 2 Hours Waiting On Her And NAthalie And WHile We Went Out Milkaa HAd To Leave Which Really Sucked But What Ever. Now Im A Disgrace To My Family. I Talk To Much Shit ABout My FAther,I Don't Care ABout My Family,Im Never Around Them Damit I Live With Them. I Just Wanna Go To Collage Already And Move In With Friends. Since I Was Small My Utopia Was A House With Pool Jacuzzi Everyone Of My Friends With Their Own Room And Partys All The Time. I Wanted To Have The Dream Life A Photographer That Gets Paid Well, Maybe And Actress Anything. I Guess It COuld BE Like Thats If I Put Mind To It ( So Corny But True). I Don't Know What Else I Can Do With My Fmaily I Don't Want To Be ANyone Else Anymore I Wanna Be MySelf. But I Don't Know When That will Be Maybe When I Dead Or Out Of This Place. I Wanna Just BE Grown Up, Work Do My Own Things Clubbing This I Can'r Do. I've Been Thinking About Getting a Tattoo Just To Hurt Them. I Just Wonder IF ANythign Im Doing Will Be BRand New To Them Im So Diffrent From What They Want Mee To Be. I Guess They Where Born Being hit Because Im Being Raised Liek Taht By My Mother. i Guess When i act Myself Its aPunishment To Them Well Thats What I Feel. i don't Want To Hurt Them BUt Me Not Being ME Is Hurting Me And It COuld Hurt My Friends. I Have So Many Secrets I Guess. Though My Family iS Main! I Hate HavingTo Be A Disgrace. I Wnat Them too LOve Me For What i Am Not What They Want Me To Be.I Am Addicted To Peircings And Tattoos I Want Alot Of Both Though Thats NOt Them But It Is Me. I Listen To ROck Wow To Jamilka And Roselin Im SomeONe Else When Im Just Trying To Be Myself. I Know They DOn't Liek That But I DO And Arent They Supposed To SUpport Me? WhatEver They're My Freind And I Love Them Too Much. I Don't Ever Think In Life Their Would BE ANother Rosselin,Jamilka Or Gil. High School Will Seperate Us And That A Fear Of Mine. RoseliN Is FUn Ass Hell And i KNow HEr For 3 Years. Jamilka IS Funny And ALways MAkes ME SMile And i Know Her For 2 Years. But Supriing The Leats Perosn I Ever Thought I WOuld GEt ALong WIth Is The PErson i Most Trust Gil. I Know Him For 1 Years Almost 2 And HEs The Most Trustworthing Person. I Dont Want To Meet New People I LOve THes e3 Too Much To Even Try To FInd A New ONe. Ilu Guys SO Much Ya Can't EVen Understand I Love You As If i KNown You Guys Since The Day I Was Born. Thanks Roselyn,Jamilks And Best Gil Beacuse I Can Trust You WIth My Life :)

I'm all better know. i Told my Bestfriend Gil. He Accepts Me :) Thanks Gil Really Thanks:) i Feel So Much Better Knowing i Told Someone Because it's Like Eatinq Meh ALive. I Still Feel As if i Have To Hidee From My Friends. i Know It's Corny To Think They Won't Accept me I Know They Will (Thanks aqain Gil Lols) But i Think They will Just Feel Awkward. I Am Attracted To Girls And TO Guys lols. Im NOt So Sure If Guys Like That? I Am A Littlee More Into Guys Just A Little. I Admit it Im Not A Virgin To a Female's Kiss. I can say i did enjoy it the first time. NOt as Enjoy But i Dint Think or Say Anything. I Thought i Was just Goinq Through a Stage But THinkinq About it I Am.... Bi-sexual. Is it Somethig To BE Proud of I Have No Idea. IN My Head Saying This is Like Ridicual,making fun of? I JUst Don't Know Yet. I Wanna Tell ME BEstfriends But Uqhh i Hate This Feelinq. In Life i've had to hide so much things. I Remember the day i ot surgery my sister and me fuaght se pushed me to the floor when we got home and my mother was buying a ginger ale. I Smaked Her across the face with my crutch. She fell on the floor and we started punching each other. I Pushed her off me and i started to cry. She's my sister and even though sister's fight i have no idea what cause this. Any How; Me and Gil Are very alike. We Both Have To Be 2 Diffrent people, Way diffrent from what we really are. He has problems with his mom and me with my dad. We are type alike or vvery idk it's up to you Gil but we are both really crazy and love to have alot of fun and adventure. We just everytime we have to be around soemthing we're not we are told to be diffrent don't be yourself. Im afraid of what people say; afraid of judgement afraid of most judgment.Mo ving On To Life. It's been pretty rough trying to what i am supposed to call my "Father". I HAte him SO Much. HE Can't give anyone any chances. He SO Stupid. I've had Moments when i tried to run-away but i just couldn't. i Love my mother too much to do that. I seem So Diffrent from the outside. Outside Me Im Fun,Outgoing,Love-able,funny,whatever you suggest. Though on the inside im none im just very emotional. I Seem Diffrent than emotional. I DO Cry alot. I've Lost People That i shoudn't have lost. So Much Shit go on in the world these days. I feel as f i am in war. My "Father" all he can do is just ake away so much energy from me. It's as if Im 14 at war. I LOve Music Like Madonna,Three Days Grac "etc" i Feel As IF I Have To Hide All Of Thatt! My "Father" Tells ME I Have No Friends all i have is classmates. i DOn't wanna belive that but what else. Friends comeand go. Parents are always there. Well i quess Thats Enough For Today.

I Have No Idea?

So i guess i have changed a lot lately. I'm 14 heading too high school. I've been feeling really weird lately. This secret is so big i feel like i can't even tell my own best friends. I Am also attracted to one of my friends. it's so hard too really know if he is also attracted to me. i had no other way of expressing myself and i remembered a very special teacher that brought me into this. Any how i have no idea how to bring this out to my friends. I am not so sure if it's a stage or what.My father obviously doesn't make it easier. i really have to say i have this hate in my heart for him. I have been so into going out expressing my freedom and then i always have to go home. My Best friends always say you're so luck to have an outgoing mother and lets you do alot of things. i love the freedom i can't lie though it's just so much different at home. i feel as if i have different personality's. In my House i have to try to be calm except so much judgement from this stupid father. in other hands my mom just thinks she's 15 and can bounce up back like she used too. Ive been listening to slow and sad songs today to get rid of tears. Looking at my cousins profile my ex wrote something i really didn't expect. i know he's my ex but he knows that's my cousin and it's so weird of him to do that. i hate these feeling that are overcoming but i guess that's just a life of a teenager. i have so much things going on i hate school but say i wanna go to collage to have this great career i expect to have. no one lives a perfect life and i am so behind that.i feel like everyone thinks I'm crazy trying too hard be someone else when i still haven't exactly found myself. when we're all young we want to be in the "in-crew" when i have my best friends with me and we're smiling nothing exist . I always wanted to leave 8th grade now that i have i want to go back. all memories are their and i hate leaving my life behind. i never wanna grow up. I'm crying now and its so stupid. everyone tells me you re a beautiful girl but whats so beautiful about a girl hiding so much things. i can't explain myself to anyone except this blog. I'm beautiful? or am i just a person who has to hide things because she's afraid of judgement.i just wanna be myself without anyone improvement. when I'm with friends I'm myself. when I'm with family i try so hard to be something I'm not. i hate life sometimes. and today is defiantly one of those days. I am so confused of how life really is. being a teenager is so difficult. i wish someone new how i feel and i have to hide this from everyone. i feel like the only person i can tell is a person i met 1 year ago that i feel is so alike like me. i feel liek i need to ask the world in what did i feel for lide to punish me so badly.